i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
