I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
