from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
