Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
