he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
