i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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