My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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