It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
