The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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