It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
