It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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