sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
