I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
