I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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