I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
