is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.