I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood