Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for