We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs