dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...