no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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