also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
