When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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