last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
