im having a threesome with these popsicles
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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