wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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