No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
