I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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