is your mom at the bar?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
