the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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