I murdered the dance floor call the cops
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
