I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
