his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
