next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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