My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
