Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
