I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We are all done wearing pants today
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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