3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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