She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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