Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
