she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
