there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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