Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
