I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He shit in the fireplace
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
