if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
