He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
