just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
