I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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