I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
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Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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