You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
