so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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