Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
being pregnant is like rehab
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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