just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
