I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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