What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
