Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just want nice things and good sex
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
