I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize