I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
