I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
