Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
