You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
