I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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